Death

Well, it's been another week. My husband's grandmother died last Friday. We're going up to the Dallas area for the funeral.

I've been trying to wrap my head around it all since last week. Why do we live? Why do we die? What is the point of our existence?

As parents we welcome children in the world and help them get through the first years. As children we help our parents get ready to die. We get them the nursing homes and places to stay when they're ailing.

Is this all there is to life? Living, dying and the in-between? Are there moments that matter more than birth and death?

When we die where do we go? Is there truly a heaven or is it all just black after we die? A friend of mine believes we disappear and just get our essence put back into the energy of the world. I don't know what I believe. I want to believe this is more than just this life, but I don't remember anything before this life. Why, then, should there be more?

Is death as senseless as it feels?

Treasure the Moment

I've been MIA because it's been one thing after another that's been happening to me. I woke up with a toothache a week ago and I suffered through the pain and then my husband insisted I see the dentist. The dentist pulled out my wisdom tooth. I've been in pain ever since. I'm still not pain free. It's been four days since I had it done. Surely the pain will go away soon? If not, there'll be another trip to the dentist in my future.

Little L goes to register at Kindergarten today. She's gotten so big since her fifth birthday! She's grown taller and slimmed down some. I can't believe this is my baby girl and she's going into kindergarten. I'm a little sad and happy at the same time. She's growing up. Before I know it she'll have graduated high school. I need to remember to treasure every little moment.

Normal

Well, I'm almost settled in. Life is a little strange these days. I'm adjusting well, though. Yesterday I had a short bout of anger, but other than that I'm doing great. I haven't had a horrible breakdown like I feared. I'm still getting up in the morning and walking around the mall. The husband comes home for lunch and is home early. It breaks up my day better and I don't feel so alone.

I think that so far I've achieved stability. There hasn't been a significant up or down in a little while now. It's a relief. I feel almost normal again or at least what I thought was normal before all my craziness began. I have to be truthful and say that it makes me feel a little lost. Knowing who I am has been a strange journey. I guess I'm used to all the bumps along the way and now that motion has stopped and I don't know where I am. Time will get me there, though, I know it will.

Thanks to all the well wishers during my move. My friends here keep me smiling.

Melancholy Day

I lost it this morning. My best friend came over to say goodbye. I thought I was handling everything fine and I was until this morning. I closed the door after saying my goodbyes and I collapsed in tears. I was in shock. Where had these come from?

My melancholy mood has continued today. And I feel nauseous. I don't know if they're related or if it's just my medicine side effects acting up. I had to run and get a sprite. I'm out because we're trying not to buy anything unnecessary before the move on Friday. Note to Self: Sprite is NECESSARY.

To my friends who have given me an award, I promise I'm not ignoring you. I will get to it as soon as this move is over. You all keep me sane, so thanks!

Change

My medications are about to be tested--big time. Will I go up or down after the move? Experience has told me that I traditionally would go down. I'm interested to see if the medications prevent a minor breakdown after all this moving stress.

Right now I'm not doing too bad. My leg's shaking with a bit of nervous anxiety. Will we get all the boxes filled in time? Plus, there's work. I don't want to do any work, but I need to do some. I just feel overwhelmed. Like too much is crowding my psyche. I don't want to crack, so I'm trying to strike a balance.

Thursday will be my last day online for a few days. I get internet on Friday at the new place, but email will be stopped since my email address will change. So much change in so little time...

One Week to Go

The packing is going well. My anxiety is under better control. I seem to be handling all this in stride again. I had a minor argument and upset today with the husband. He's always forgetting to do things and it irks me so I said something about it. He said I was overreacting. Maybe I was a little bit, but he should've done what he said he was going to do in the first place.

I've said my goodbyes already and I'm ready for my new life. I'm ready to have a car. I'm ready to have my husband less than five minutes away. I'm ready to have family in town even if they're not reliable. I'm ready for everything. I'm also ready for it to be here already.

I need a Xanax

I have a love/hate relationship with computers. Yesterday my computer's hard drive went out. This is the third time that's happened to me, all on different computers. I lost everything yet again. It makes me want to tear my hair out. I would, too, were it not for the fact that my hair already falls out by itself.

Instead I am trying to download all the information my computer is missing like adobe, iPod, etc. I'm sick about my iPod. It's not the same and will take me weeks to get it right. All the song names are missing. They're named Track 1, Track 2, etc. It's infuriating to think that I had them all perfectly named and now I have to redo it all.

I told D that we're buying a brand new MAC computer at tax time. Period. No more Dells. I want a computer that's going to last, thank you.

Sleepless in La La Ville

I can't sleep. I took 2 Xanax and an Ambien and I can't sleep. My skin feels like it's vibratating--it's felt like that all fucking day.

I'm anxious and it's keeping me awake at night. I think tomorrow will be a sleep in day. I have to be kind to myself in times like these or I'm apt to trigger an episode.

I find it mildly humourous that I use terminology like trigger and episode. I've been in the business of trying to be well now for over two years and I finally can speak about bipolar as if it was in the third person. It's not who I am, but what I am.

What I am right now is tired. My iPod's finished downloading a lot of New Age crap that should help me sleep. So, Laterz!

Boxes, Boxes, Boxes

My life is nothing but boxes. I'm despaired that we will never finish in time. I fill a box up only to see something else to pack. I packed almost all the crystal and china today. I still have the silver and cookbooks to pack. We have less than two weeks before we move. How will I find time for work?

Why am I in panic mode all of a sudden?! I can't wait till this fucking move is over. It's been a long time coming. I wonder if each day will be a painful step or a breeze. So far this day has gone on forever. I hope the rest of the days won't follow in it's footsteps. *sigh*

On the mental front, I seem to be doing okay. A little anxious, but I'm not falling apart yet. Today's my last time to see my therapist. I'm a little sad. Thank god for Prozac.

Pills Like Candy

Is anybody else sick of popping pills like they're candy? What is this stuff doing to my liver? Am I sacrificing one part of myself for another?

I take a pill to go to sleep, another to calm down, one to make me happy, one to make me not too happy. It feels excessive at times. I try to remember that I take this medication to keep me sane and out of the mental ward. But I have other ailments to worry about like my liver disease. Are these meds eating at my liver slowly but surely, and if they are, what do I do? How do I make a choice between my liver and my mind?

An old friend

I talked to an old friend today. It was nice to hear her voice. It's been eons since I last spoke to her. I had so much to tell her. I told her about my bipolar and she didn't skip a beat. It didn't bother her or make her wary. I was glad of that.

Tomorrow we're going to the Water Park. Little L is excited since we're going to celebrate her birthday. It should be fun held by all!

Insanity

Last night I watched the House of Yes. It was a disturbing movie about a girl who's insane and in love with her twin brother.

It was so disturbing that I couldn't stop thinking about it. As a result, I had a horrible dream last night. I dreamt that I was in Mexico and I had a prescription for mental meds but I couldn't find it inside my strawberry purse.

The next day I went back to the shop as I had found my prescription. I handed them my prescription and they filled it. I was about to put the pills in my purse, but I could not find it. I searched everywhere. I was upset, so I took some of the pills I had just gotten. All of a sudden I felt like I was drunk. I thought everyone was watching me as I continued to look for my strawberry purse. I heard people talking about me. I continued to search the store since I kept seeing other purses like mine hanging overhead.

I bumped into an old nail client of mine (I used to do nails) and I was ashamed of my condition. Even though she was really drunk over margaritas, I was insane and I didn't want her to see me. She had a strawberry purse, but it was not mine. I left her and continued through the store. I found an old friend there who thought I was only drunk. We left the store together through a gate.

I never did find my strawberry purse.

Work

I worked yesterday. Then my back went out because I didn't prop pillows behind my back properly. Today I'm properly pillowed, but still stiff. I hate back problems!

I'm working slowly today. The back meds really make me tired. I need to drink another coffee, I think.

My mind is working overtime today. I feel up and I have nervous energy.

Anyway, back to work...I'll check in later today if I get a chance.

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I'm not gonna lie
I'll not be a gentleman
Behind the boathouse I'll show you my dark secret

I love my iPod. I told D it's the best present ever got me. I listen to it all day every day. I feel lost when it's not tethered to me. I was, after all, named after the saint of music. A little trivia for those who'd like to know my real name. Not that I go by it. I have a nickname.

Head under water and they tell me to breathe easy for a while
Breathing gets harder, even I know that
Made room for me, but it's too soon to see

I start work tonight. I have butterflies in my stomach. It's been so long since I had to work--even if it is from the house. It's so weird. I think I'll take a Xanax before I go to meet my boss so I can calm the fuck down. My boss is someone I've known for a long time, but I haven't seen in a while. It'll be interesting to see how it goes. He sounds like he'll be an easy going boss. His mom was my old boss for years. I managed her Trade Secret Beauty supply store. I have no reason to be nervous, but I am.

Change

I got a job working from home! It's data entry and a little research. Kinda boring, but it pays the bills. I'm not sure when I get trained yet, but I'll find that out soon as I call back today. Yea! This will surely help with the bills and it just fell in my lap. Fate is being kind to me. I feel blessed at a moment when I really needed it.

The moving stuff is coming along. I filled out a change of address form today for myself and my husband is picking one up for himself. It feels strange to input a new address. It's new and a little scary. I think it must be an incorrect address and I look at the paper where it's written and notice that I have it correct. I keep doing that with it. It's like I don't want it to be correct or something.

Change is difficult for me. It didn't used to be that way. I changed schools often enough when I was younger. I made friends easily, I adjusted easily. I don't remember hating it until I was nine. I cried in the principal's office that year.

Anyway, change it is a coming. I better get with it.

Sade's Pearls

I can't stop thinking about this song. It seems to echo my feelings at the moment.

there's a force stronger than nature keeps her will alive
this is how she's dying
she's dying to survive
she calls to the heaven above
there is a stone in my heart
she lives a life she didn't choose
it hurts like brand new shoes
it hurst like brand new shoes

Results of Ambien/Geodon Research

I've spent the better part of the morning doing research on Geodon and Ambien. I think I found the source of my memory blackouts--Ambien. There are a lot of complaints online about blackouts, sleep walking and sleep eating in Ambien users. Most warn against drinking with the medication.

I think that the Geodon has exacerbated the Ambien in me.

Since I don't have any other symptoms, I'm going to continue to take the medication until I see my doctor next month. Hopefully we can find something else to help me with my insomnia.

Memory Loss and Geodon/Ambien

I've almost decided not to talk to my doctor about my side effects. For one thing she already knows that I'm going to want to talk to her about changing the med. The last time I saw her she said there were no options left.

I have bipolar and I've decided to accept that fact and all the problems that come with it. I have to decide if these side effects are enough to pull my medication when it's these medications that have finally given me some relief from the bipolar. This is the sanest that I've felt in years. I know it doesn't seem like I'm that sane lately, but I remember well the moment where I stood inside a mental hospital. Even though I decided against treatment at that time, I don't want to be there again.

I do all this for my children. I don't want them to have memories of an insane mother. I'd rather not remember making love to my husband late at night than have them remember me in a bad light.

I think the culprit meds are Geodon and Ambien combined. I just won't take them until after we make love next time. Simple solution, right?

Side Effects

I've noticed a few side effects since I've been on Geodon that give me pause. Up until a week ago clumps of hair were coming out of my head. I'm talking handfuls here. My hairline looks sparse and I'm self conscious.

I get nauseous on a regular basis. I don't want to eat in the morning because I feel sick and sometimes in the afternoon. It bothers me, but not that much. I need to lose weight afterall.

My worst side effect is my memory loss. I can't count the number of times on my hand that my husband has said we've made love at night and I don't remember. How could I not remember that?! I'm sick about it.

Actually, I think that my worst side effect is anxiety. It has been unbearable, especially when you add on restlessness to it. I think the anxiety is part move and part side effect.

This all makes me want to get off my medication. I cried last night thinking about everything. D told me that if it's helping me I should stay on it. It is helping me, damn it. I wish I could say otherwise so I could get off of it without guilt. Instead I'm the one with a receding hairline, feeling sick to my stomach, and the memory loss. I'm a winner.