Y360 Blog Excerpt dated Friday December 22, 2006:
"Bipolar is a homegrown tornado, a swarm of insects buzzing in your ears, and a picture of an eye that blinks back at you." - DarknTwisty Bipolar Chica
I'm so very sad and freaked out right now. My picture of the blue eye just winked at me. What is going on? That was so scary. My heart is pounding in my chest. I'm getting more manic, aren't I?
So, if you haven't figured it out by now...I'm attempting to share with the world what it is to feel like a newly diagnosed bipolar. I've read books from the library and the bookstore, but I haven't found a book like that. I searched for one when I first got the news. I wanted to know all about this illness. I'm still learning. With every net search I add more questions to my list. What's this, what's that, and could I have that?
I've never seen a hallucination like that except when I was about four years old. I saw a bullfighter then. I usually hear a ringing in my ears or L yelling for me or see "something" move out of the corner of my eye.
And, so this is why I keep my anonymity. I fear that soon everyone will know that I'm as fucked up as they come. I feel like a shell of the person that I was-- filled with a heaping dose of BP.
I'm so very sad and freaked out right now. My picture of the blue eye just winked at me. What is going on? That was so scary. My heart is pounding in my chest. I'm getting more manic, aren't I?
So, if you haven't figured it out by now...I'm attempting to share with the world what it is to feel like a newly diagnosed bipolar. I've read books from the library and the bookstore, but I haven't found a book like that. I searched for one when I first got the news. I wanted to know all about this illness. I'm still learning. With every net search I add more questions to my list. What's this, what's that, and could I have that?
I've never seen a hallucination like that except when I was about four years old. I saw a bullfighter then. I usually hear a ringing in my ears or L yelling for me or see "something" move out of the corner of my eye.
And, so this is why I keep my anonymity. I fear that soon everyone will know that I'm as fucked up as they come. I feel like a shell of the person that I was-- filled with a heaping dose of BP.
7 Comments:
Chica. Sweety. It's ok. No, really!
The freaking out over episodes ended up being more harmful to me than the episodes themselves. Is anyone in danger? No? Then let them blink, talk, etc. Make a nice cup of valerian root tea and open up a mag. They'll go away.
It's OK.
I still freak out a little bit, but not like I used to. I see bugs, but I know that they're not really there.
I momentarily think that I'm nutzo and then I push the thought to the back of my head. I know it's not real.
Thanks for all your comments, Amanda. I really like your blog.
So much of learning to live with bp is learning to not pay attention to all the stigma that surrounds it. If you can accept the fact that you have a health problem, a disorder that does not affect your heart or your kidney, but another organ - your brain. The way society has for so long looked on mental illness is absolutely wrong and you should try not to accept or absorb the stigma.
You're no more fucked up than a person with heart disease, cancer or diabetis. Can they help their illness? No. And neither can you.
If you can learn to look at it that way, you can live your life, believing in yourself and your self-worth. One day - and this is something I'm trying to help fight for - this stigma will be greatly decreased. There is no need for us to feel shame.
I read everything I could get my hands on when I first got my dignosis. I found that it actually hurt more than it helped. I don't know if I'm the only one that feels this way, but I started questioning everything I did and felt. Could it be this? Could it be that? I drove myself insane. Since then I've learned to read myself, and I can ususally figure out what's coming next. Good luck to you, take care! :)
Well, it's normal to freak out about it. We are taught that such things are VERY BAD.
But I've found it better to just remind myself, in a gentle manner, that all of this is not real and it can't hurt me. Just make a big joke out of it. It loses a lot of its power this way...
It's easier said than done to try and remember that this is an illness. There are so many people out there who aren't educated about mental illness. When I thought I had ADHD and I mentioned it to a few people I felt like they looked at me like I had 3 heads or something. I've been lucky that the few people that I've told about my BP have been receptive and understanding. I don't trust that the other billion people in the world will even begin to understand.
I used to hallucinate alot. I don't anymore because well, I don't know why, but I haven't hallucinated in a very long time. I'll still hear things at night once in a while but I won't have the freaky twisted hallucinations in the shower like I used to. Don't ask me why but I used to hallucinate in the shower when I was fourteen through seventeen. I would see people with blood all over them, screaming at me, killing themselves, people being raped by men, and all sorts of creepy horror story type things. It was very gory and bloody and I never want to see things like that again. That is why I stay clear from horror movies, because my eyes can't stand to see those images again. I also used to see a little girl when I was really little. I would talk to her and she would want me to run away with her. I never did but I didn't think of it as a hallucination when I was a kid. I just thought she was my imaginary friend. But now as I have learned about my illness I realize that the little girl was a hallucination. Freaky stuff, I'd say.
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