There are days when I see a college advertisement on television or I pass by our nearby university and I grieve the loss of me and the ability to attend classes. It's not just attending college that I wish for. I wish I was whole and that these things came easier to me.
Since the births of my two daughters my bipolar has progressed. I'm more anxious, moody, depressed, irritable and I find myself unable to function in society, much less a job. I've followed the proper procedures. My psychiatrist recommended therapy and I go every week. I take my medications as prescribed, but even on all this medication I still can't do what I want to do.
My current and only job is to be a stay at home mom and I find it overwhelming on even the best of days. I try to keep my symptoms under check while I'm raising my girls, but I find myself taking more and more medication every day to help myself get through the day. There's no helping or judging when my anxiety/irritability is going to be worse at different hours, days or months.
My symptoms are constant and unpredictable. There are stretches of time where I find myself uninterested in hobbies, the kids, days where I want to sleep all day and days when I can't sleep. There are days when I'm on top of the world, where I organize and reorganize the cabinets in my home, only to crash into an irritable and anxiety ridden state. Bipolar affects the way I live and how I breathe. Unlike regular mood swings, my mood swings hit heaven or hell. It affects my activity level, my judgment, and behavior.
During a manic episode my activity level may be high, but so is my out of control spending, I may impulsively quit my job, and feel rested after sleeping two or so hours. During a depressive episode I may spend the entire day crying non-stop or staring off into space for long periods of time. I feel like the floor has been dropped out of my life. This is the time when I find it difficult to function because I hate myself for quitting my job or for no reason at all.
There are four stages of bipolar and I've experienced all of them. There's mania where I feel destined to be a great author and I spend all my money, there's hypo-mania where I reorganize my closets and cabinets at 4am, depression where I feel like I've lost everything worthwhile, and a mixed state where I get to experience the hopelessness and spend money I don't have. When I'm manic I can do the jobs of four people. When I'm hypomanic I start to be irritable and snap at people due to lack of sleep. When I'm depressed, I call into work because I can't drag myself out of bed. When I'm mixed, I'm so anxious that I can't even say hello to people. There is no middle ground here. I'm always one of those four episodes. To write this or even this report was so difficult that it took me two plus months to fill it out due to the height of anxiety it caused. If I can't fill that out easily, how can I perform at a job?
Since the births of my two daughters my bipolar has progressed. I'm more anxious, moody, depressed, irritable and I find myself unable to function in society, much less a job. I've followed the proper procedures. My psychiatrist recommended therapy and I go every week. I take my medications as prescribed, but even on all this medication I still can't do what I want to do.
My current and only job is to be a stay at home mom and I find it overwhelming on even the best of days. I try to keep my symptoms under check while I'm raising my girls, but I find myself taking more and more medication every day to help myself get through the day. There's no helping or judging when my anxiety/irritability is going to be worse at different hours, days or months.
My symptoms are constant and unpredictable. There are stretches of time where I find myself uninterested in hobbies, the kids, days where I want to sleep all day and days when I can't sleep. There are days when I'm on top of the world, where I organize and reorganize the cabinets in my home, only to crash into an irritable and anxiety ridden state. Bipolar affects the way I live and how I breathe. Unlike regular mood swings, my mood swings hit heaven or hell. It affects my activity level, my judgment, and behavior.
During a manic episode my activity level may be high, but so is my out of control spending, I may impulsively quit my job, and feel rested after sleeping two or so hours. During a depressive episode I may spend the entire day crying non-stop or staring off into space for long periods of time. I feel like the floor has been dropped out of my life. This is the time when I find it difficult to function because I hate myself for quitting my job or for no reason at all.
There are four stages of bipolar and I've experienced all of them. There's mania where I feel destined to be a great author and I spend all my money, there's hypo-mania where I reorganize my closets and cabinets at 4am, depression where I feel like I've lost everything worthwhile, and a mixed state where I get to experience the hopelessness and spend money I don't have. When I'm manic I can do the jobs of four people. When I'm hypomanic I start to be irritable and snap at people due to lack of sleep. When I'm depressed, I call into work because I can't drag myself out of bed. When I'm mixed, I'm so anxious that I can't even say hello to people. There is no middle ground here. I'm always one of those four episodes. To write this or even this report was so difficult that it took me two plus months to fill it out due to the height of anxiety it caused. If I can't fill that out easily, how can I perform at a job?
4 Comments:
Well, to be honest, and I don't "know" you, but I THINK that YOU can go to college, have a job, and do the things you desire to do.
I totally can relate to this post as I am just about to write the same one about myself.
I feel a Loss of Me too. I feel like I cannot function or be able to work either.
But I am going to college and succeeding and so can you.
I, too am irritable, depressed, moody, annoyed, angry, frustrated, anxious, and so on and I am still going to school.
I know how you feel, I really do. But there is a light at the end of the tunnel. You just have to see it.
This is actually the last paragraph in my disability report. I'm trying to get disability, otherwise I wouldn't have been so "woe is me". It actually has made me feel pretty bad just rereading it. On the upside, my creativity is back. LOL
I know what you are going through, I am bipolar too and because of it unable to work. But, my family will not see the extent of my disability so the pressure from them to get a full time job is unbearable. It is very hard.
I am also a single mother of two girls, ages 12 and 16, and I know how overwhelming being a stay at home mom is, especially when you are bipolar. It makes it so hard to function. My heart goes out to you.
I like your blog, I've bookmarked it and I will be back. Thank you for sharing so much about yourself. I hope you have a wonderful weekend.
I agree with dream writer. You can go to college and succeed. The availability of internet classes has made it possible for me to get my degree. I decided to go back after I had my 2 daughters and I'm bipolar type I. When a class starts, the professors usually give you an agenda that includes all assignments and when they're due. Work on them when you can and get ahead just in case you can't later. That's what I did and I never missed an assignment or turned one in late. If I can do it you can too.
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