I've been reading a lot of my back posts lately. Some of what I've read has saddened me. My life has been in a turmoil since I found out I had bipolar. I wondered how this could happen to me. I never expected that my life would turn out like this. When I was thirteen I aspired to be a journalist, a writer. I knew that I would have children, but I never expected to be a stay at home mother.
I think life throws us unexpected curves to awaken us. Here I was living my life and I was thrown a curveball in the form of bipolar. And it happened while I was pregnant to boot. My life turned into a tornado, damaging everything in it's path. My wrath and grief were deep. I moaned "normalcy, why have you betrayed me?"
Maybe it's now that I have finally found medication that gives me some semblance of normalcy that I can see how bad those early days were after I found out I had bipolar. I can now say "I have bipolar" instead of "I am bipolar". I can see the difference and the fight has left me.
Now I can begin to see the future. I'm not sure exactly what that's going to be, but at least now I can envision having a future. I see myself raising two sweet girls and being involved in their lives like it's a treasure, not a death sentence because my bipolar has made me unfit for anything else.
It is with pride that I can now say that I've found acceptance.
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10 Comments:
It's always so refreshing to read your blog, Chica. You are so human. I wish you weren't hard on yourself. I wish I had a friend, live and in color, like you. I read everything you wrote this week and you and I are going through a lot of the same stuff.
We are both equally crazy so I hope that makes you feel not so alone.
Smile :)
Tyler.
Yes, yes, yes. Sometimes you just have to look in the mirror and tell yourself that you are okay. And you are. I think yer pretty damn cool.
You've brought me through some times, girlfriend.
So, let's hang in together, 'k?
HUGS
Terra
Tyler--Hello, friend. You make me smile everytime you comment. And, hey, I take offense! I'm live and in color. I thank you for your words. It's always nice to know we're not alone.
Luv,
Chica
Terra--I usually avoid the mirror. LOL. I will make a conscious effort to look more often. I find that this blog is my mirror. I may not always like what I see, but I must learn to live with what I got.
Thank you for being my friend, Terra. I value you.
Luv,
Chica
You made me tear up. Good for you!!! For me, I would have never imagined I wouldn't be working, but it has been the best thing for therapy. I'm so glad I made the decision not to go back to work...but what about my plans!!! I am really, really happy for you. You have the best job and the most important one in the whole world.
I'd like to try some art journaling, what is gesso and gel medium and what do you do with it? It sounds fun.
Someone close to me was faced with a dramatic change in their life that was beyond their control. Their response to me was "Everything I dreamed now is not possible, but that just means I have to change my dreams."
I love reading your posts, Chica. I look forward to them every day. As CC said, you made me tear up this morning.
Acceptance also means accepting the possibility that you can live a fabulous life. If you think it is not possible to overcome your condition you will be accepting a diminished life that is far less than what you are capable of. There is a great program at http://www.bipolaradvantage.com that integrates top professionals with education, assessment, treatment and results worth striving for.
Acceptance is a wonderful place to find yourself. We are all, as the famous quote says, children of the universe, no less than the moon and stars. Look at all these people that you inspire every day! Wow! Never forget what a blessing you are in this world. (And a great writer! You've realised that dream without giving yourself credit for it Sister!!!)
Bipolar just means you see the world from a different perspective.
The world needs that!
Keep the creative fires alive.
Peace. xox
You're right, life throws us curveballs but when we stop reeling from the impact there are many ways that our misfortunes can be turned on their head into positive things, and you're doing just that.
*hugs*
~Shiv
CC--I made you tear up? Thank you that's the best compliment. Being a mom is the hardest and most rewarding job in the world. I do my best to live up to it.
Jane--Gesso is like a primer for paint. Gel medium is like a paste. You can find both in art supply stores. If you're going to do collages then I recommend buying the big tub of gel medium. If you're not going to do collages, you still may want to buy the gel medium as a sealant for your painting.
Bradley--I like that quote. Everything is possible if you change your dreams. I like it. I will remember it. Thanks for the compliment of tearing up. I shed a tear when I wrote it, too.
Anonymous--One step at a time, please. I've accepted that I have bipolar. That was a huge step for me. I'll get to the other parts at a later date. Stay tuned.
Meg--Thanks for the credit of being a good writer. Some day I hope to be a better one with more practice. I'm inspired by people like you, Meg. Thanks for the compliments.
Shiv--I am trying to be positive. It's a tough road to walk, especially when you're walking uphill against a ferocious wind. I just need to remember to see the beauty of the flowers as I walk. It's about the journey, not the destination. Thank you for reminding me of that.
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