Raw Writing for the Real World of Bipolar

I'm not sure what's causing my anxiety. I thought, last night, that it was because I had been feeling guilty over not purposely remembering my father every day, but now I don't think that's it. I cried and felt better, but today the anxiety's returned with a vengeance.

I took a Xanax and felt guilty. Why should I feel guilty? I'm not an addict. I just use it when the anxiety gets so bad. But the haters out there will point their finger at me and tell me that Xanax is as evil as heroin.

I've been trying to do our taxes without a tax man this year and it's hell. Language can be so obtrusive. A person can mean more than one thing with only one word. I consider myself a decently educated person, but I still don't get what they mean. I'm going to let my husband do the taxes. I'm through. I don't need one other thing sending me into anxietyville.



A girl. Exploring the world of Bipolar Disorder one day at a time. Informing and educating the public about mental illness.

About the Author. Feel free to Email Cristina a comment or a question.Share Your Own Bipolar Story. Click here to Subscribe in a Reader.

© 2009 Cristina C. Fender

My first blog (http://www.healthyplace.com/blogs/bipolarvida) came out this Monday and the response was great! I totally feel valued and it was nice to hear I was relate-able from some new readers. A couple of Bipolar Chica readers stopped in and I was excited!

However, it is an adjustment to working for somebody besides myself. There are deadlines and I freaked out a bit this past week. The fear that I wouldn't be up to snuff caught up with me.

I want this opportunity to be rewarding, not anxiety ridden. So, my plan is to stay ahead of the game and create, write, and edit at least a week before my deadline. If I'm more prepared then maybe I won't be so anxious. If you haven't checked my new blog, Bipolar Vida, yet, please do! I'd love to hear from you!


A girl. Exploring the world of Bipolar Disorder one day at a time. Informing and educating the public about mental illness one blog at a time.

About the Author. Feel free to Email Cristina a comment or a question.Share Your Own Bipolar Story. Click here to Subscribe in a Reader.

© 2009 Cristina C. Fender

I pull my hair and claw my skin when I feel extremely anxious. It usually comes on when I feel so out of control that I need to feel that I'm in control again. It's a fight or flight response that I feel ashamed about, but it happens nonetheless. When I claw my skin it's like I'm trying to make the outside of myself feel worse than the inside, like I'm trying to let it all out of inside my body and brain.

While I'm doing it it feels good to let it out. Afterwords I notice the claw marks on my skin and I feel embarrassed. I feel like this illness is a monster that I cannot control and I feel shameful. What makes me feel the need to harm myself? I have to let it out. I have to get it out of my insides before it crushes me.

I don't do this often. I did it two times this past year. Once when my father was in the hospital and again when I held his boots after he died. The feelings overwhelmed me and I needed to get them out of me. Feeling the pain on my arms settled me somewhat. The pain was more tangible that way. It was serious and real. I didn't feel as crazy on the inside.

My therapist suggested that I write in my journal when I feel that out of control instead of harming myself, but when I'm in the throes of anxiety I can't think of anything except what I need to do--claw my skin.

It's a serious problem that I need to work on. Hopefully it won't happen again.

About the Author: Cristina C. Fender, 34, is rapidly becoming an expert on Bipolar Disorder. She has been researching Bipolar Disorder and blogging about her own experiences for several years. At age 21 she was diagnosed with depression and saw psychiatrists for over ten years before she was correctly diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder I. Her vision for writing at Raw Writing for the Real World of Bipolar is to inform and educate the public about mental illness. Feel free to Email Cristina a comment or a question.Share Your Own Bipolar Story. Click here to Subscribe in a Reader.

© 2009 Cristina C. Fender

I'm starting to have self doubts. Is my book good enough to be published? I haven't received any positive responses to my book yet except one from a bogus agent that charges fees. I'm going to keep on truckin', though. If you can dream it, you can do it, right?

On the bipolar front---I'm doing okay. My anxiety is back to normal. I'm still shaking like crazy, though. It's so embarrassing. But, I don't have a choice. I need to talk to my psychiatric practice nurse about something to help with the anxiety while I get off of the Lithium. Or maybe I can just adjust the dosage to half the amount. Either way, I need help with the anxiety before I can get off the Lithium.

Today we go to see our daughter do her cheerleading thing at a basketball game. I love to see her cheer! She brings a huge smile to my face. Then we're off to a birthday party at Chuck E. Cheese for my cousin's son. Mara loves Chuck E. Cheese. She'll be ecstatic! *grin*



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© 2009 Cristina Fender

Writing a book is hard work. I've been at it for over a week now and the editing is a bitch. But, strangely, I like it regardless of the anxiety it causes me to look over old blog posts. Thank god for Xanax!

I haven't heard any feedback yet on my column. I'm waiting to hear any day now if it's good enough to be published. I know it's good. I know it in my bones, but is it what they wanted? We'll see.

I've been giving a lot of thought to my disorder lately. It still sucks that I have bipolar, but right now it's manageable. The anxiety is a bitch, but it's still more manageable than when I was pregnant. I don't want to kill myself---that's a good sign, right?



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Last night I went to the Spider House coffee shop again and wrote for a while. It was nice to be in an environment where I could focus on me and my writing without any interruption!

My anxiety is back in check so far. I haven't been taking as much Xanax the last two days. I think the increase in Geodon is working. Yea!

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© 2009 Cristina Fender